I'm hurting so bad inside but outside i'm telling them i'm fine.
What can someone possibly feel when they know the person they love hates them?
How stupid can i get to still love, still care at this point?
Yes i love him to the extent that i'd still care for him even if he hates me more than anything else in this world. Wow. What a fool.
When i walked away today, i knew i was throwing away every chance left. So why do i still love?
And he's made it clear.
What am i still waiting for? You to come back and tell me, everything's fine?
I just can't believe two people who used to be each other's world can just end up like strangers.
I remember the way you held me close.
The first time we kissed.
I remember how you wiped away my tears.
And made me feel so secure.
I remember the first love letter you wrote to me, every single word.
I remember our first date.
I remember 4th October 2009, 10.28pm. "Will u be my girlfriend?"
I remember the first time you hugged me. 10th October 2009.
I remember the way you fussed over me.
I remember you standing up for me.
I remember you walking me to school and home everyday.
I remember the first card i wrote for you. I spent hours decorating it.
I remember your promise to marry me ten years down the road.
I remember our first movie, Imagine That.
I remember your long phone calls to me, never wanting to put down the phone.
I remember the story of us.
Do you?

I Walked Away When Inside My Heart Screamed I Need You.

I did it. I met him for lunch today. It was, good to see him again. After so long. But i didn't like the awkward silence that never used to exist. At least not between us. We were once, so close. Its hard to believe how much things change.
You held my hand for the first time in a long while. And inside, i wanted to tell you not to let go ever again. But i let go first. And walked away. When i turned around, you had already gone away. Did you hear my heart shattering?
I saw it in you. The child-like, silly boy i used to know. The same boy i love. The boy who smiled as soon as he saw me, who talked about endless things with me. But somehow, its not the same anymore.
You've changed.
When i look into your eyes, i see coldness. Icy, blank eyes. Eyes i don't know at all. I searched for the smile i love most. I couldn't find it.
And sitting there staring at you, i couldn't see the boy i love. It was someone almost completely different.
Where did the boy i love go?
Thats the reason why, i still walked away in the end.
And i know, i might never get another chance to see you again after today. When i walked away, i knew that would destroy every hope, every chance left for us.
But it was what my heart told me to do.
Because you aren't the boy i love so dearly. The boy i miss so much.

I watched you walk away. Every step. Until i could see you no more. I heard a heart shattering. I was brave enough to walk away from you. But you have no idea, the pain i felt to push your hand away first. I know i can't give you happiness anymore. Do you remember you once told me, i was your source of happiness? I love you so much. But i'm sorry i can't make you happy anymore. I love your smile the most. Smile for me once more, before you disappear.

I Am Just A Girl.

Someone make up my mind for me.
I have this feeling deep inside. That i'm not strong enough to see him in person.
That i'll end up collapsing all over again. And i tried so hard.
Do not show your weakness.
Because people will just look down on you and say, i told you so. So what if i just like being made a fool of?
At least when i love, i give my all. You may think that isn't enough, but what i gave was my everything.
People judge when they have no right to.
When it all comes crashing down, they don't hear a heart shattering.

I Still Believe Deep Inside That We Were Meant To Be.

Not a very fruitful day today. Met the girls in school for biology project. And in the end, we didn't manage to buy our bags. ):
Waiting till the June holidays before we go on another trip to buy our matching bags.
I'm probably meeting him for lunch tomorrow. I know its stupid of me, but somehow, a tiny voice in my heart keeps whispering: "Are you sure this is for the best? A relationship you worked so hard for, you gonna just let it go like that?"
Yes. I'm wavering again. I tried so hard to let him go, and now, i'm missing him again.
Because something about us felt so right. It was just wrong to let you go.
Thats why i'm giving it one last shot. Giving myself a chance to rethink my decision. Because honestly, it just doesn't feel right that you aren't here.
I thought i was moving on. But in truth, all i was doing was running away from the fact that you had left.
I think about all the times we had. The memories we created, just us both. The love we once shared. So pure and innocent. When together, nothing could break us down.
I'm searching for that love. The boy from three years back.
I don't really know what to expect. Maybe he'll just cancel out on me. I'm afraid if i see him, all the time i spent trying to forget him will go to waste.
I'm hoping for the best.

I'm searching for the boy from three years back.

Never Apart. Maybe In Distance, But Never In Heart.

My new room is all furnished and done up. :) Love the way it is now.
I can't wait to get DIY materials for my noticeboard. Still deciding if i should get a magnetic whiteboard or a corkboard.
Smsed him last evening. The conversation was pretty awkward.
How did we ever end up like strangers? We were so in love once.
I could tell his guard was up. I understand.
When I was young and immature, i hurt him too deeply. We both know its impossible for us to continue being together. Not after all the pain, the tears.
I do miss him.
But eventually, i'll have to move on. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. Occasionally, I just miss the way it used to be.
Gonna catch Red Riding Hood this weekend with my family. :)
I can't wait for tomorrow, meeting the girls. Its been quite boring without them. And the last time I saw them, i was being rather anti social..because i was feeling so unwell. Gotta make up for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For someone:

Even though i've pondered why,
I realised it doesn't really matter now,
The reason for our separation.
The times with you,
I really love, really miss, but I learnt to move on.
It ends tonight.
Lets stop here,
Before we fall even deeper.
I know your love was genuine,
And i'm sorry for all the mistakes I made.
Lets both continue on with faith,
And maybe one day,
Our paths will cross again.

Remember me.

I Hate You For Still Being In My Heart.

Nostalgia really sucks at times. Times like now.
I find myself missing him much more these days. I don't get why. I swear i'm trying my best to forget. But the memories won't go away.
I can't wait for Wednesday. Going out with the girls. And when school reopens, we'll have matching bags. :) With different colored carebears hanging on our bags. How cute is that?
Starting on my holiday homework today..its such a huge pile.
Went to Ikea with my dad and mum last evening. Bought my white bookcase. :) Its gonna arrive tmr.
I can't help but wonder how he is. If he still remembers me. Or have I already faded away, and i'm now nothing but a shadow from his past?
Remember me? The girl you once promised to marry ten years down the road.
When you're fifteen, you don't see the problems that could arise. You only know your love is pure and real. When you're fifteen, you only see a happy ending.
When I was fifteen, I fell in love with you.
Do you regret being mine?
To all the young kids out there, not that i'm that old, don't bother about what others say. Just go out there, love, get your heart broken, and learn from it.
Thats how you grow up.
Thats how I grew up.
We make mistakes, and sometimes we can't make it right again. I made a mistake. And its too late to make amends.

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright.

Walking Down Memory Lane.

I don't really know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. Unpacking my stuffs...its inevitable to come across some things he gave to me. Presents I once loved.
Hello Kitty Japan, a birthday card from last year, a love letter he first wrote.
Reading the cards were the most painful. Because in the words, I found the love we once had.
Sometimes I wonder if he still keeps the cards I made for him. If he still reads them occasionally. If he still remembers our love. Remember we were once everything to each other.
But then I realised the answer doesn't really matter anymore. Nothing's changed.
We are still complete strangers now.
I love my new room. The sun shines in and brightens the whole room. Exactly the way I like it.
What is wrong with me?
I was moving on fine. I was getting over him. I was happy.
Now i just feel like i'm going to fall apart again. No. I can't.
Remember you once promised to never let me fall?
Snap out of it Michelle.
I need an outing with the girls. Going to buy our matching bags on Wednesday. I can't be alone, or i'll start thinking.
Gonna catch Red Riding Hood soon. Can't wait.

The story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

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